I am lost in my head-a world where no boundaries exist. I feel empty inside. I cannot formulate complete thoughts or sentences structured around my pain. I am broken once again and do not know where to turn. My mind has become this bottle of confusion that never seems to stop fizzing over. Who do I talk to? Who do I trust? This madness that has become my life’s existence is draining me of every adult cell I contain in my body. It is hard to sleep at night. Waking up in gut wrenching sweats, wishing I could sleep with no dream and no fury. I have become my own prisoner in this hell hole of mine. What have I done? Who is this person I have created? Who else can I/should I blame?
Living in an unforgiving world, that revolves around time and time alone, that I do not possess, I am speechless and lifeless when trying to find the off switch. I want to turn it off. All of it. I want it pitch black without the slightest bit of breath passing my face. There is no one to turn to. I want there to be so badly but how can you rely on the very people that somehow always let you down one way or another? How do you try to prove yourself over and over and always come up with the shorter end of the short stick? Is that even possible? Living, walking, running in my shoes, it is very possible.
I have loved. I have lost. I have won what I thought was love, and yet I seemed to have let it slip through my fingers to be lost again. I have picked up where I left off, and dropped the ball, and picked it up again. I can be mean. I can be a bitch. I can be strong. I can be a lover, a friend, and a foe. What does all of that equal when you add it together? Empty. How do I repair the pieces? How do I determine love from infatuation? I am volatile. I love so hard I forget I exist. Love comes and goes like the wind. How can I find the ultimate root to this love? Where do I plant it in my life and hope that it grows beyond my mindless boundaries?
I am gay. I am a lesbian. I am me. And yet, people do not see me. I am invisible, with all my pain and sorrow. I am hurt. I am sorry-for all the pain I have caused those that do not deserve my wrath. I blame myself for 99% of my actions that may or may not have been intentional-simply because I have hurt someone else.
My parents are not gay. They say I am not gay. If I am their child, this makes me not gay. Who are they to tell me? Where were they when I needed them? When I was molested in their house, under their roof, under their nose? Where were they when they beat me for things my brother did? Where were they when they kicked me down the stairs? Where were they when I miscarried? Where was I?
I am deep. Deeply in pain. Lost in my sorrows. Drowning in my tears that are ever flowing. Tears over my lover, my ex-girlfriend, now girlfriend, now girl….?? Sleeping with the enemy, and playing this game with my heart. I slept with the enemy too. Two enemies. One that hates me now and the other that is a crazy bitch. I hurt them. All of them. And in return I hurt. Is this my punishment? Where does it end? When does it end?
How do I forgive internally? I forgive them. But I haven’t forgiven myself-for fear that if I do, I could be introduced to an all new pain that develops into unchartered territories.
I need love. I need attention. I need happiness. To be happy. To be loved so damn hard, we forget ourselves together. Together. That is the key word. I need another me, but with their own characteristics. She says she is that person for me-even after sleeping with the enemy. it was just sex. That is what I said to her, and she turned around and used it on me. Maybe it was just sex-planned sex in my book. To hurt me for the hurt I caused her-even though she wanted nothing to do with me when I had mindless sex with the enemy.
We are even. The score has been tallied-we came through the race at neck and neck-tying up all the odds. Who steps forward to give the handshake? Is it sincere?
She wants a life with me. A baby. A family. Will this turn out to be the dream I once dreamt for years as a kid? Am I doing the right thing? Do I continue to beg someone to want me who doesn’t beg or fight for me just as hard? How do I know its going to be real? I guess after sleeping with the enemy, you can find a place in your heart to trust again. I trust her now-oddly enough-with all this pain suffocating my aorta. Because I know now she got it out of her system. She has experienced the other side. She knows what it is like-but the enemy will never have what I can give her. I have loved her from day one-and I am still here.
When is it going to be my time? Time to shine, to live, to make a prosperous life? We all make mistakes. Mistakes are meant to be journaled and read through like chapters flowing through your favorite book. To be memorized and engrained in our minds so that we never have to wonder the pain it may have caused-we already completed the damage. Find the chapter and read it again. I have learned many of life’s lessons. But there are more to come.
I am growing, in my own way, to love myself. Avere Forza. To have strength within myself. I open my tear filled eyes in the blissful mornings to see this on my wrist. I cannot forget it. It is a hard, permanent marker on my soft body. So why am I lost? Because I am not living up to my own values. I am watching myself walk away, down the street, with no direction or path in mind. My mind and its straying ways takes over my long limbs, forcing its obstructive demands on me. I have to find control to take over again. I have to learn to live and let live. To forgive, but forgive on all levels, including myself.
I am lost. I am a lesbian. I am a lover. I am me. I am here, there, somewhere. Waiting to be rescued. Rescue my soul. Love me hard. Cherish my friendship. Be my supporter.
This is my life. In a nut shell. Open the door and you shall see me.
